So...My Overall Crabby Take on "Superstar Secrets"

Admittedly, as a fifty year old man who has never watched the show on which this book is based, it would be an understatement to say I’m not the target audience of “Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel.

It was a for-the-heck-of-it read, as I recently blogged about an old Partridge Family book and an old Brady Bunch book, and I was curious how this book was compared. (You can see my chapter by chapter blog at Deanaanderson.blogspot.com in the November of 2012 entries.) I wasn’t surprised that the book wasn’t very good, but I was a little sad about some of the ways it isn’t good.

If you look at the heroes and heroines of good children’s literature, they often struggled in life. Perhaps an orphan like Oliver Twist, Sarah Crewe or Harry Potter. Perhaps impoverished like Sounder’s master, Charlie Bucket or Katniss Everdeen. Children living in times of war like the Penvensies or the Marches.

Then we have the dilemmas faced by Miley Stewart in this book, and I assume the other books and in the TV show. She has a great life as a ‘normal’ kid going to Malibu High, but she also has a fabulous life as pop singer sensation, Hannah Montana. And she wants to keep both lives without giving up what either has to offer. It’s like she’s found a way to taste and digest the cake while keeping a perfect holographic image of it right there on the table. Neat trick if you can do it, but it doesn’t make for very compelling stories.

First of all, the ‘normal’ student at Malibu High is more privileged and has access to more wealth and pleasure than the vast majority of the world’s youth could ever imagine. But that isn’t enough, the character must not just have the advantages of the 1%, but the advantages of the .01% of pop stardom.

Next we, are asked to feel bad because this top secret pop stardom keeps the girl from having a completely free schedule. Or as M. C. King (who adapted this book from TV scripts) writes, “So, on weekends, Miley was usually booked…It was the one major drawback of being talented, fabulous, and internationally known.” Poor kid.
Because she chooses to live two lives, deception is a basic part of her lifestyle. Throughout the book, she deceives her potential boyfriend/boyfriend, first hiding her identity, and then her feelings.

And why does a 14 year old girl need a steady boy friend? Early in the book, Miley bemoans not having boyfriend, and hangs out with her friend, Lilly, as a sad consulation.

As if the fictional character didn’t provide a poor enough role model for kids struggling with self-esteem issues, we have the actress who played the pop sensational “growing up” in public with an increasingly sexualized image.

“Superstar Secrets” was #18 in the series. I don’t think I’ll get around to the books that came before or after.

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel adapted by M. C. King - Part 2 Chapter 8 - THE FINAL CHAPTER

1)Plot Synopsis: Jackson uses the George Costanza method of returning to an old job and pretending he was never fired, without crediting the Seinfeld character. Rico takes him back, but believes he (Rico) must be going crazy. Mr. Stewart tries to cheer Miley up with ice cream. Miley complains to her dad that honesty didn’t work with Jake. Mr. Stewart says maybe he just wasn’t the right guy. Miley receives a single rose and a note from Leslie (Jake’s real name) which states that Miley was right, he doesn’t deserve her, but he hopes to some day. And that he won’t reveal her secret.

2)Character Development: Miley complains that honesty didn’t work with Jake. Though she was eventually revealed to him her secret identity, she was actually dishonest with him about many other things. She is obviously delusional. Mr. Stewart admits that food is the only language he knows of to cheer his daughter. Can a very special bulimia nervosa be far away?

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: Employment contracts and laws. Rico and Jackson seemed completely unaware of such things.

4)Hip Slang: “Who the Sam heck is Leslie?” Mr. Stewart asking about the identity of the rose and note sender.

5)Contemporary Cultural References: Jackson remembers his dad singing a song about poker, which evidently is the Don Schlitz song, “The Gambler”, made famous by Kenny Rogers.

6)Favorite Passage: “Here you go, darlin’,” he said, handing her a bowl of ice cream. “Fudge ripple’s like a heartbreak airbag. It doesn’t stop the hurtin’, but it cushions the blow.”

PLEASE NOTE THERE ARE THREE ENTRIES TODAY. I COULDN’T STRETCH THIS THING INTO DECEMBER. I LIKE ADVENT TOO MUCH.

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel adapted by M. C. King - Part 2 Chapter 7

1)Plot Synopsis: On the limo ride home, Jake accused Miley of acting out because she was jealous of him. But he says they can work through her jealousy just as he was working on being normal for her. She says that they have to break up. Jake can tell she is afraid he will tell her Hannah Montana secret and he says he may do just that.

2)Character Development: Jake had not been aware that stealing water from a little girl is a bad thing until Hannah pointed it out. Jake uses a line from one of his movies to express what he is feeling. Miley says normal people don’t quote movie lines in real life. If so, I know many people who aren’t normal.

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: Child water theft. Using movie lines in ‘normal’ life.

4)Hip Slang: “Dang!” and “Sweet niblets!” both used by Miley to express exasperation.

5)Contemporary Cultural References: (Got to remember to delete this heading because I can’t find anything.)

6)Favorite Sentence: “The only reason I did they stupid ‘normal’ thing was for you!”

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel adapted by M. C. King from scripts by Douglas Lieblin and Andrew Green - Part 2 Chapter 6

1)Plot Synopsis: Miley goes with Jake to his movie premiere with her swan dress and hairy armpits hidden in a coat. On the red carpet, Miley reveals the get-up along with spitting in Brian Winter’s (the entertainment interviewer) face. Jake tells Miley they’re going home and she feels sure Jake is going to break up with her.

2)Character Development: Jake reveals either a very strange sense of humor or an amazingly inept grasp on biology. On the red carpet, he tells Miley they have to go home to feed the cats. When Miley responds he has no cats, Jake says, “Maybe we can build one out of your arm pits!”

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: What are those big limos that movie stars ride in doing for climate change? Also, is the shaving of women’s armpits a capitulation to sexism?

4)Hip Slang: “Silly Goose!” – What Miley calls Jake.

5)Contemporary Cultural References: “Teen Gladiators”?

6)Favorite Sentence: “There’s a breeze in Pittsburgh, if you catch my drift,” she said. (Miley referencing the homage to ‘Teen Bigfoot’ in her underarms.)

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel by M. C. King Part 2 Chapter 5

1)Plot Synopsis: Jackson exults in foiling Rico’s attempts to get his Cheeze Jerky recipe. He also delights in all the money they’ve taken in, until Oliver reminds him they must pay Oliver’s money for the ingredients for the product. So actually, only one dollar in profit has been brought in. Miley and Lilly try to figure out how Miley should break up with Jake. After discarding ideas such as ‘Face transplant’ and ‘Move to Peru’, they stumble upon the idea of Miley acting so obnoxious that Jake will want to break up with her.

2)Character Development: Miley appreciates Lilly’s attempts to console her.

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: Economic theory – business must consider costs of production and labor when they set prices (along with supply and demand.) Perhaps members of Occupy Wall Street could learn something from the book.

4)Hip Slang: “Operation Get Jake to Break Up with Me” is the name of the plan Miley and Lilly devise. “Yuck!” – a term of abhorrence.

5)Contemporary Cultural References: Without to the singer’s name, Björk swan dress, worn to the 2001 is references by Lilly as a model for what Miley could wear to a premiere with Jake.

6)Favorite Sentence: “In an homage to Jake’s beloved ‘Teen Bigfoot’, and with the help of an old brown shag rug and some wig glue, Lilly gave Miley’s underarms a more…natural look.”

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel by M. C. King Part 2 Chapter 4

1)Plot Synopsis: After the ice cream parlor, Jake goes with Miley, Oliver and Lilly to the beach. Jake talks on and on about himself. When Jake leaves them to take off his wig, the friends talk about what an egotistical jerk Jake is and decide Miley must break up with him. Jake returns and says he had a great evening being a normal person. Jake then turns on the TV so they can watch Jake on “Zombie High”.

2)Character Development: Jake talks about how his has been in show business since he was six months old and knows no other life. Jake winks, a very creepy gesture.

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: Narcissism is a serious problem for which there is apparently no cure. If you know someone who is a narcissist, and this person bores you, you must end your relationship with that person. After all, you have to think of yourself first.

4)Hip Slang: “Jitters” – Miley and friends consider that perhaps Jake only talks about himself because of this condition.

5)Contemporary Cultural Issues: “Wonder Diapers” and “Natural Baby’s Organic Pureed Pineapple Pilag” – products Jake did commercials for as a kid. “A Star Is Born: The Preschool Years” –how the narrator refers to Jake talking about his young life. “Teen Bigfoot” – a movie Jake starred in with the tag line “The only thing bigger than his foot…was his heart.”

6)Favorite passage: Miley frowned and shook her head. “I don’t understand. I mean, Hannah Montana is a star, too. But underneath, Hannah is a real person. Underneath, Jake is just…” “More Jake,” said Oliver.

“Superstar Secrets” a Hannah Montana novel by M. C. Star (based on the TV episodes "Achy Jakey Heart Parts I & II") Part 2 Chapter 3

1)Plot Synopsis: Jackson and Oliver’s Cheeze Jerky business continues to boom. An old woman approaches Jackson with a baby carriage. The woman asks for the jerky recipe. But Jackson pulls the blanket out of the carriage to reveal it is Rico disguised as a baby. Meanwhile, Miley, Oliver and Lilly wait a pizza parlor and wait for Jake. Jake comes disguised as an ordinary person, with dark hair and a funny accent. Jake gets tired of waiting in the pizza line and storms out of the restaurant. They go to a less crowded ice cream parlor. But Jake gets inpatient waiting for water and steals it from a little girl’s tray. Jake is not thrilled with life as an ordinary person and Miley is not thrilled with Jeff.

2)Character Development: Dark hair and sun glasses make Jake unrecognizable to Miley. People don’t seem very perceptive in this world.

3)Relevant Cultural Issues: On weekends, pizza parlors and shacks have long lines and annoying to wait for food.

4)Hip Slang: “Cootchy-cootchy-coo” – what Jackson says to Rico disguised as a baby. “Mwa- ha-ha-ha-ha” – Rico’s demonic laugh. “Weirdo, say what?” is what Miley says to Jake when she doesn’t recognize him.

5)Contemporary Cultural References: An episode of ZOMBIE HIGH: ‘Haunted Deli: Take a Number and Wait….to Die!’

6) Favorite Sentence: “If Oliver orders the chili-dog pizza again, we’ll just sit by the windows.”