I wrote this four years ago and never did anything with it. Still works overall for this year, just put in McCain for Bush and Obama for Kerry and Viola! Cutting edge humor...
AS LONG AS YOU VOTE
By Dean Anderson
This being an election year, I believe we can all agree it is our patriotic duty to vote, since MTV’s “Rock the Vote” campaign tells us so. Voting is an important civil duty, arguably more important than putting your shopping cart in the parking lot return slot, but not up in the cleaning up after your dog’s business strata. Some would say it is important before one votes to research the issues, ponder the pros and cons of the candidates and consider their positions on everything from social security to home ownership of ferrets. Of course, this would involve listening to many dull speeches and the reading of many newspapers, and nothing I have seen on MTV, let alone Spike TV or the Weather Channel has convinced me that these are necessary duties as an American.
I mean, I’m all for voting, especially since federal law stipulates you may take a full morning or afternoon off work to do so (or at least litigation phobic employers may be convinced it is so). But is it worth the effort to diligently research prior to the election in order to judge the candidates and issues on their merits? I’m not convinced. I’m not saying you should throw away your vote, far from it. But there are other ways to decide your vote that may lead to more fun and profit.
For instance, it is important to consider how your vote impacts your love life, a perspective gravely under-reported by CNN.
Since the sixties, when the first “Make Love, Not War” signs were finger-painted, we have been aware that taking a political stand could lead to getting some action. This phenomenon was first observed during England’s parliamentary elections of the late 1800’s (insert your own Disraeli or Gladstone joke here).
It is still true your vote can have a romantic impact. First you will need to discern the political leanings of that opposite sex voter. Try throwing out a tactful question, such as “Say, how about that terrorism?” and note the response.
Once you perceive the political persuasion of your partisan pretty, try one of the following lines. For that special Democrat, “The Republicans only care about corporations, not the little, yet attractive and sexually liberated people like you and me.” Or for that desirable Republican, “The Democrats just care about the Special Interests, not the little, attractive and quite heterosexual people like you and me.” Remember, as a general rule, if thinking commitment, go conservative; if thinking fling, go liberal.
Along these lines, if you live on one of the coasts, consider the possibilities for Party parties and the celebrities that might be met therein. At a Democrat fund-raiser you might have Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas or George Clooney. At a Republican fund-raiser you might have a chance to meet Dennis Miller, or Larry Miller or an assortment of other fine Millers. I recommend caution in throwing in too quickly with the Beautiful People, they might include Michael Moore. In fly-over country you might not find celebrities but rather a quality assortment of casseroles at fund-raisers of either party.
Another consideration is how the choice of administration will impact your television viewing. Fortunately, we no longer live in an age where the President can command all media to cover his words. Even in times of war, the Disney Channel is unlikely to interrupt Raven. But there still is the danger that your favorite show could be pre-empted if the candidate is not sympathetic to your programming choices. So vote for Bush if you are concerned about a Presidential message interfering with the NFL, Nascar or the Dove Awards. On the other hand, your vote must go for Kerry if you want to be sure that PBS Peter, Paul and Mary concert is only interrupted by the pledge drive.
(On the subject of television, I do wish to offer this side note. Though I am in no way advocating real research before the election, I would urge you not to miss the upcoming Vice-Presidential Debate. I’ve got money riding on whether the FCC will fine the networks if Cheney uses any choice profanity in front of minor. And don’t try to tell me John Edwards is not a minor. If kids lie about their age to get into the military, you can’t tell me someone wouldn’t lie to get a cushy job like VP.)
How your vote could impact your travel plans might be another important consideration. All savvy travelers know not to slap that Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on the luggage on a trip to gay Paree, but there is more to it than that. You need to be ready to answer that pivotal question, “Who did you (will you) vote for?” If in Old Europe or most of the Middle East, you’ll want to be able to answer Democratic. If in Kuwait or New Europe (defined as few inside toilets), you’ll want to answer Republican. You may choose on the other hand to play it safe and learn the names of Canada’s candidates for prime minister. On your ballot, your write-in candidate will be Pierre Trudeau (remember, I’m not using this strategy, I don’t have to research it). Then when asked you can respond truthfully, “Eh, hoser, I voted Labor, so take off.”
Perhaps you’ll choose to vote vocationally. Your boss or union rep may have some voting suggestions and would be pleased if you would ask his or her opinion. And if you don’t get around to actually voting for his or her favorite candidate, remember, it is the thought that counts (especially if his or her thought is that you were more than adequately kissing his or her appropriate anatomical location.)
Now there are many other low-effort methods for deciding how to vote, such as celebrity endorsements. I myself plan to vote for General Westley Clarke based solely on his support from Madonna. Sure, he’s dropped out of the race, but my respect for the Material Girl’s work on the “Immaculate Collection” album and the film “Dick Tracey” does not allow me to consider Al Gore‘s recommendation of Howard Dean or even Britney Spears’ support of W.
It would be irresponsible for me to close this discussion without discussing the option of selling your vote. This is no longer just an option for the fine citizens of Chicago. Judicious use of E-Bay might allow you to sell not only your vote, along with your late Uncle Morrie’s vote and your dog’s vote in a package.
And, of course, if you live in Florida it really doesn’t matter how you vote because the vote will probably go to Pat Buchanan anyway.
So do not neglect your patriotic duty: vote. Your negligence in the past led to Clay Aiken and La Toya London getting jobbed.