[Setting – Five people lined up in chairs with usher bringing offering plate. Voiceovers are used for each person as they hold the plate, starting with the usher.]
USHER: Nothing from that first row. What a bunch of cheapskates. How are we ever going to get the parking lot repaved unless these cheapskates start coughing up some dough?
KID: (pulls out handful of pennies): I got all the pennies from my brother’s piggy bank. This is going to be the loudest offering ever.
PARISHONER 1: (holds plate in lap while puzzling over amount to write on check): Now what has the entertainment value of this service been? The music was good this morning, but last week’s sermon dragged. I hope today’s will be better. It certainly was better than the Adam Sandler movie Larry dragged me to last night, and that cost $9.00. Of course, my cable bill is $30 but the whole family uses the TV, and that’s for a whole month. I know, I’ll give what it cost to see the community theater production of “Sound of Music”. It’s important to support the arts.
PARISHONER 2 (putting envelope in plate): I do need this tax deduction! Uncle Sam is going to take a hefty bite. I need to be careful to leave the envelope right side up so people can see the size of my offering. Should I add an extra zero on the envelope? No, it would probably throw off the usher’s count.
PARISHONER 3 (putting in cash): Okay, God, I’m putting in $5 for what I did to Betty, $10 for those extra bourbons the other night and $20 for the time on that website. You know which one I mean. Does that make us square?
PARISHONER 4 (putting in a check): Thanks God, for a chance to give back to You. You’ve given me so much! It’s such fun to be able to give back.