CLOSING CHRISTMASLAND a Christmas play by Dean Anderson
Tiffany the Tour Guide
Popcorn Kids Choir
Dickens Choir, Popcorn Choir, Manger Choir
Scene: An Amusement Park
(Tiffany leads family to site)
Tiffany: Welcome, folks, to our special V.I.P. tour of Christmasland!
Dad: Does V.I.P. stand for Very Increased Prices?
Mom: Hush, Frank, I want to hear her.
Tiffany: Silly, V.I.P. stands for Very Important Persons, which you all are, which is why you’re getting this special pre-hours tour on this very special day in the life of Christmasland!
Chad: You mean on the death of Christmasland!
Tiffany: Well, this day does mark a very special time of transition! After today, Christmasland will be transforming into an even more magical place, Holidayworld!
We will begin the tour today by visiting several of the beloved attractions that will be making their final bows before giving way to what I’m sure will be even more beloved attractions!
Chad: Before you kill them.
Tiffany: And here we are at this very special attraction that opened over forty years ago in 1971, the Dickens District! Welcome to the world of Scrooge, Jacob Marley and Tiny Tim! Let’s see if any of the residents of this special place come out to see us!
Mom: This was my very favorite as a little girl! I loved A Christmas Carol and it was magical to see it come to life!
(Group dressed in Victorian garb comes out.)
Scrooge: Bah-humbug! Every idiot who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.
English guy: Pip Pip Cheerio! Blimey, here comes Father Christmas!
Tiny Tim: God bless us everyone!
Tiffany: Ooooooh! I feel like we’ve gone through a time machine!
Chloe: One of your ancient Englanders has an I-Phone in his pocket.
Chad: I’m glad they’re killing this thing.
Tiffany: Perhaps the residents of the Dickens District will favor us with a song?
(More Victorian dressed folks come out and sing, “God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen,” then the singers depart. Guide and family walk in place as if “moving” to a different part of the park)
Tiffany: What a delightful song with an unfortunate sprinkling of sexism from that period. This cherished attraction will be transformed in the newly imagined Holidayworld into Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania in our salute to Groundhog’s Day! Every day of the year you’ll be able to visit that lovable groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil!
Dad: Wow, Mickey Mouse must be shaking in his boots at the competition.
Chad: Can we just move on to Reindeer Rampage to go on the roller coasters? I want to go on Rudolph’s Revenge and Dasher’s Dive and Comet’s Vomit!
Tiffany: This tour is of Christmasland attractions that will be no more. I’m delighted to say that all of the rides in the Reindeer Rampage section will continue to be a part of Holidayworld!
Chloe: So you’ll be keeping Santa Claus sections of Christmasland in Holidayworld?
Tiffany: Oh yes! We’ll still have 3D interactive presentations of The Santa Clause Part 5! We’ll still have Santa’s Toy Shop where a wide variety of delightful products for purchase will still be available. Every day down Holiday Avenue there will still be a recreation of the Macy’s Parade from Miracle on 34th Street complete with the drunken Santa!
Chloe: So you’ll just be closing all the parts of the park that touch on the real meaning of Christmas.
Tiffany: The real meaning of Christmas? Oh, we’ll certainly still focus on the real meaning of Christmas…Family…The Joy of Children…Gift giving…All of that wonderful stuff! Now here we are at another attraction that will still live on in our commemorative DVD, Salute to Christmasland! now at half price.
Chloe: I don’t think you have any idea of the real meaning of Christmas. But I’ll give you a clue, think of the first syllable of the word.
Mom: Kids, you’ll love this one. This attraction brings to life that comic strip you loved as kids. You know, ‘Popcorn’, with that lovable loser Clarence Beige and his friend, Lionel with his Safety Quilt.
Tiffany: That’s right! And ever since 1987 we’ve brought to life this magic moment from that heartwarming special, It’s Christmas Time, You Idiot! Let’s watch!
(Clarence Beige, Lionel and Louise come out, with other kids.)
Louise: Clarence Beige, you’ve ruined Christmas! Christmas is all about getting good presents! And doing a great Christmas show! And especially putting up a glamorous Christmas tree covered with lights and glitter and tinsel!
Clarence: I’m sorry, Louise. But is that what Christmas is really all about?
Lionel: That’s not what Christmas is all about. It’s about this:
8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
That’s what Christmas is all about, Clarence Beige.
(‘Popcorn’ kids then sing “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” and exit.)
Tiffany: I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that this space will be used for a new Christmas attraction; from Home Alone we’ll have Kevin’s Violent Burglar Fun House.
Chad: That does sound awesome.
Chloe: So you’re getting rid of an attraction where the real Christmas story was read to make way for people getting hit on the head with boards and paint cans.
Tiffany: I’m sure it will all be quite tasteful.
Dad: And expensive. Will you have Kevin Sabotaging Sets in the gift shops?
Tiffany: We do still have Lionel Safety Quilts for a great price on our gift shops!
Dad: Shouldn’t we be moving along before the sensible people who didn’t pay twice the price are let in through the gates?
Tiffany: Yes, but remember V.I.P.s do go to the front of the line at all rides and attractions. Because you are Very Important People to all of us at Christmasland soon to be Holidayworld (trademark pending).
Chloe: So we’re more important because we spent more money. You people really do have no idea about what this holiday is about.
Tiffany: Here we come to the very first attraction built on this land. Joshua Noel, the late and dearly missed founder of Christmasland, built this attraction. Actually, what you see here is just part of the first attraction built. Mr. Noel brought various parts of the story of Jesus’ birth from the Bible to life. I’m sure you may remember some of those sections have been done away with over the years.
Mother: Yes, wasn’t there a section that told the story of John the Baptist’s birth?
Tiffany: Yes, the attraction that showed John’s father seeing an angel in the temple made way for Rudolph’s Revenge years ago.
Mother: And weren’t there displays that showed the Angel visiting Mary and the shepherds in the field and the three kings traveling?
Tiffany: Yes, but there was a need to make room for The Grouch Who Stole X-Mas stage show as well as our Elf Toy Emporium. But we still have our manger scene with the little drummer boy. This attraction will remain a part of Holidayworld, but it will be refurbished. Let’s give it a look for the last time in this form.
(Manger scene with children’s choir singing “The Little Drummer Boy”.)
Tiffany: The manger scene will be completely refurbished. This tacky little shack will be replaced with a giant structure which will be visible throughout the quad state area. We’ll have animatronic figures for the humans and animals built to ten times human scale. The robot drummer will be heard not only throughout the park but also in all the neighboring counties. The brand new spectacular manger scene will open in a year and be a highlight of Holidayworld.
Chloe: You just don’t get it, do you? The amazing thing about Christmas is that so much of it wasn’t amazing. To the eyes of the most everyone in Bethlehem, it was just the birth of an ordinary child in horrendous conditions. But it was really God entering our world. And He didn’t come to some vacation world; He came into our world to live with us.
Chad: But there was an angel choir when He was born. That must have been sweet.
Mother: And He was visited by strangers from the east bearing precious minerals and perfumes, that wasn’t ordinary.
Chloe: Yeah, but then He lived decades after that as an ordinary man, before His ministry days with miracles and His death and resurrection. Those are very important days as well. Is your new Holidayworld going to have a Good Friday Day with an animatronic crucifixion? And a open tomb for Easterland in 3-D?
Tiffany: Oh, no, we won’t have any of those things.
Father: That crucifixion scene would probably be a deal breaker for most tourists.
Tiffany: You must remember this is a special place that people visit in order to forget their everyday lives.
Chloe: I guess that’s okay. But it’s not Christmas. Some people treat Christmas that way. As a fantasy day, a getaway from real life; but Jesus came into the world to save our whole lives, not just a day.
Tiffany: Well, I’m afraid this concludes our tour. I trust you’ll join us again when the most joyous land on earth becomes the most joyous world in the universe!
Chad: Alright, let’s go to the roller coasters!
Father: I’m hungry; I’d even be willing to pay whatever amount of gold, frankincense, or myrrh they’re charging for a burger.
Mother: Chloe, would you like to join me and hit the shops?
Chloe: No, I think I’d go back to the real world. Jesus loves the real world. He gave up His life to save it. He wants to use us to make the real world the most joyous place in the universe.
Tiffany: You know I’ve never heard Christmas described in that way. Do you think later you could tell me about the real meaning of Christmas?
Chloe: I’d love too. I’d like to give you tour of Christmas in the Scripture.
Tiffany: That’d be great! Is this good news for everyone?
Chloe: Absolutely, Tiffany. That’s the great news about Christmas. God entered the world as a baby in the manger because He considers each of us a Very Important Person.