Article from Absolute Write

The links to the articles published at Absolute Write no longer function, so I'll post them here. This was the first humor item they posted, many years ago:


Writer's Guidelines
By Dean Anderson


As you scan this website, you may be thinking, “What is life like for the writers of Absolute Write? What isn’t Jenna telling us about her day-to-day life? Is it a life of wealth and privilege, celebrity-filled parties and romantic conquests?”
If that’s what you think, you are dead-on correct. Further, you may be thinking, “I never could myself aspire to be a writer for Absolute Write.” And if you think that, you’re still batting a thousand. Writers of Absolute Write were born with prodigious talent and attended prestigious writing schools.
If, however, you think you are forever excluded from the entire glamorous world of writing, then you have lost your bid to join the Psychic Network. You can be a writer, if you can find a publication desperate enough.
All you need is access to some writer's guidelines. Then you, too, can know the glories of publication. Read the following excerpts, which are just samples from a new e-book, "You Can Be Published! A Guide to Literary Bottom-feeders."


Candyland Afficionado - We appreciate your interest in the official publication of the United Candyland Association. We purchase from freelancers on a wide variety of subjects, including game strategies, players of the game (past and future), equipment (such as the recent article entitled, “Bringing Your Own Cards - Kosher?"), profiles, recipes using game candies (“Lord Licorice Lasagna”), etc. Articles range from 100 to 200 short words ($.01 for every fifth word). Enclose SASE. Send to Candyland Aff., 302 Candy Forest Lane, New York, NY. Please note: we will not use or return any Elf-related material.


The Eskimo Catholic Arizonan - The ECA newspaper serves the Roman Catholic Eskimo community of Southern Arizona. In general, we are looking for Catholic Eskimo material with a tie-in to Southern Arizona. Don’t be afraid to submit material that is fun, yet somber. Enclose SASE. Send to ECA, Nanook
Neighborhoods, Deadwood, AZ


Electronic Can Opener Repair Journal - Most of our features are assigned to professional writers, but we are always looking for filler material: poems, anecdotes, jokes and riddles related to can openers (electric or manual) or electronic can opener repair. Enclose SASE. Address: ECORJ, 555 Finder Way, Junesburg, AL


The Hudson Brothers Fanzine - We all love and remember that musical sensation of the '70s, the Hudson Brothers and their tremendous but all too short-lived television show, but only one publication continues to honor their career on a bi-monthly basis. Please send a query letter describing your proposed article. Past articles have covered such topics as: “Wasn’t the Hudson Brothers’ Show the Greatest TV Show Ever?,” “Ritz Brothers or Hudson Brothers? A Critical Appraisal,” and “Is That Kate Hudson an Ungrateful Little Tramp or What?” and the like. Note: though we share the same address as New Kids on the Block Quarterly and The Archies Newsletter, submissions to those publications must be sent separately. Include SASE. Address: HBF, 111 Vine, Hollywood, CA


Potatoe Bug - The Magizine for Underacheivers - PB publishes material by incomptent writers of fiction and poetry as an encoragement to young person who stink at scool, so they won’t feel bad about spelling everything not wright and good grammer like the people who know that stuff are so special cause they know how to use “whom”. You can show that second-grade techer who thought lurning spelling was so all-fired important that you got held back and kids made fun of you that you are now in a national magizine which you can try to sell and make a few bucks. (I guess we need a SASE, whatever the heck that is.) Address: PB, 433 Dead End, Little Rock, AR


SASE Quarterly - Every publisher wants you to include a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope, but are you sending the right SASE? This is the only publication for writers utterly devoted to an anal-obsessive compulsion to choose an envelope with the size and shade and even the scent that will give a manuscript an edge with prospective publishers. Certainly send your submission with a SASE. Proper postage vital. Address: SASE, P.O. Box 7, Rayjevik, Iceland


So start writing and submitting. This could be the beginning of reaching your name-in-print dreams.