Yet another piece that was submitted to "Absolute Write": SEMINARS TO AVOID AT YOUR NEXT WRITER'S WORKSHOP

Attending a writer’s conference can certainly be a helpful spur to your writing career. Few things are entertaining as keynotes by best-selling authors bad-mouthing the editors that rejected their early work. There is encouragement to be found in being part of reading groups (listening to other writer’s pathetic samples, can bolster confidence in your own work). But the most practical advice and counsel you will receive at a writer’s conference will probably be
in the seminars and electives.

In these smaller meeting times you often can pick the brain of an experienced talent, extracting golden nuggets of wisdom often topped with the delectable spicy tidbits of wit on such topics as economy in writing and the dangers of mixed metaphors.

But you may choose unwisely and find yourself wasting hard earned conference tuition dollars (or even easily earned tuition conference dollars). There are some
seminars that drain not only time and money, but precious brain cells. Here are some such seminars Iwould heartily recommend avoiding:

“FINDING A WORKABLE ALIAS FOR WRITING THAT BUTT UGLY SCREENPLAY” led by John Smith

(This writer for a variety of direct-to-video projects for Pauly Shore and the Coreys from the 80’s explains the difficulties of writing for marginal, chemically
addicted talent without accepting the blame, and hating yourself less as you cash the check [and the difficulties of cashing a check written to an alias].
Most of us don‘t have these particular problems.)

“EDITORS REALLY, REALLY CARE ABOUT THE FONT YOU USE” led by Percival Maxwell

(OK, if you want to use an hour of your life for the glories of Courier, you’re welcome to it.)

“HOW WITTY PUNCTUATION CAN MAKE TECH WRITING FUN” led by Miles Nedwell

(I’m sorry, the role of explanation marks in reports on the wonders of science just didn’t do it for me.)

“WRITING GREETING CARDS FOR PRE-SCHOOLERS” led by Illene Naberhanthee

(The only thing I learned in this one: “birthday” is too big a word. There, now you know it, too.)

“REPORT WRITING FOR INTELLIGENCE SERVICES: A SEMINAR HEAVILY EDITED FOR SECURITY REASONS” led by **** ********

(I hear this used to be a rather different presentation, before recent security procedures were enacted. And it wouldn’t be so bad now, if they had edited what we’re not supposed to hear with silence or beeps rather than Orrin Hatch’s rendition of patriotic favorites.)

“CHOOSING THE RIGHT STAMP FOR YOUR SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE” led by Nancy Squire

(Hey, if you’re dumb enough to use John Wayne stamps to send manuscripts to “Mother Jones”, you probably shouldn’t be using your writing to spread your ignorance.)

“ALL CHOKED UP: AVOIDING LITIGATION WHILE WRITING FOR CEREAL BOXES” led by Jennifer Mills

(Apparently, you can’t write anything too shocking on the back of Special K or you might meet Judge Wapner’s real world equivalent.)

“WRITING QUERY LETTERS THAT ARE QUALITY, QUAINT, AND QUTE: USING ALLITERATION TO MAKE YOUR LETTER STAND OUT” led by Arnie Armstrong

(Editors, they love the precious stuff.)

“YOU CAN MAKE A LIVING MIS-SPELLING VIAGRA* FOR SPAM” led by Marvin Slime

(No need to stoop to this level to become a professional writer. Especially when you can always freelance humor columns on the internet. Very lucrative.)